♥ The day after the 21st. (Friday, October 22, 2010 / 8:39 PM)
This life is making me feel disgusted.
I feel awfully wronged, lost, and not to mention, unfair. As I am typing this my blood is boiling. What is the point of me staying in this home? People are fake. There is no love in this family. All she knows is her son is very important, her youngest daughter is the best and that her fun is the most important aspect of this whole life.
Really? You know how to compare us with so and so's daughter and son who will do the housework for the mum. How about comparing your son with her son? How about compare my grades and their grades?
It really isn't about the grades at all. But its about the thinking. Girls get all the shit and they guys get away with any fucking thing they do. That, is what is making me angry.
And does being angry gives you the right to yell at every single person you see? Hell no. Fucking N.O. When you want people to do something for you, you talk to people nicely and they HAVE to do it for you. When you are angry, you forget every single fucking thing that they have done for you. Giving thanks? Who was the one who taught us to say thank you from young? I think she died.
What I see now is one obnoxious, selfish woman who puts her pleasure above all. Sure, I have to thank you for bringing me into this world. But that does not determine that you have and is allowed to hurl such words at me. Not at all.
Sometimes I really regret things that happened 8 years ago. If given a choice, would I still make the same choice I did? Would I silently follow them all? Would I be brainwashed like I did? If I had simply spoken up, perhaps things would have been different. Perhaps things wouldn't be the same now. Perhaps people would not have turned out like now, which is a mega DISASTER.
I am really, really upset, disappointed, displeased, angry right now. Thinking back, the kind of treatment we received from you when we were young were so much more different. Yes, we get caned, we get whacked, but we still always do feel the love right there.
Unfortunately, its no longer the same way. Ironically, there is no caning, no whacking of my baby sister. And no, I rarely feel the love around. Not at all.
You can't blame me for wanting to go overseas to study at all. I don't think anyone can understand how I feel. It's like, its not possible to know what I've been though. Yeah, I know it isn't the worst, but what I know is, THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. She brought it all upon herself.
Both parties give me different stories, tell me now. Who should I believe more? The one who has been caring for me since I was young, but has always been brainwashing us? Or the one who has been more distant from us but has been providing for us silently all along? I really don't know. But from the looks of it, I would rather believe one who is well... more stabilised, more matured. The one who would think before talking.
What's deterring me from going overseas is of course, money. And more importantly, my sister. I know this sounds really cocky, but I dare say, I have been the one holding the pieces of this family together. Right, you don't know what I mean. But I do. What is going to happen to her after I leave? I really don't want her to become the 2nd brother. One is already more than enough.
I feel awfully depressed. I haven't had a birthday cake for the longest time. It's not really about the cake that I am upset about. It's about how all these have not been worth my time and effort.
I don't know, but to give some credit, I guess its all the same for all humans. We're always shrouded by a layer of mist which always clouds our vision. We either can't see, or always forget the good things people have done and when there is just this one bad thing, they come down so hard on the people who have been helping them.
This sucks balls, you know? It's like, I am not taking any money from you except for my allowance, which comes from the alimony. This technically means, that that does not come from you. Instead, its from daddy. Other than that, I have never ever in my life asked for more money just so I can catch a movie, or get clothes. They have always been MY money.
So recently I have to pick baby up, and have to buy food for ahma. So where does the money come from? Yeah sure, you do give me money after that. And its always IF you remember. Sometimes the money is not even enough to cover. How about when you get brother to get money from me? How many times have you forgotten to return me the money? It's been so many times, I don't even know how.
It's not that I can't bear with the money you know? I work. So I have that extra money. Its not like I am using your money to buy clothes or shoes. So what gives you the right to criticise my spending? Yeah sure I do get alot of stuff. BUT, they are cheap stuff. They serve me well, I am happy, so what issue do you have with me?
Yeah, I can save them up. Sure I can. Can you save the money you spend on drinking up? You sure can too. So where's the action? I do not use your money, so don't criticise how I spend my money. And fyi, I do NOT overspend. You have been going down hard on the wrong person all along.
Why not go down hard on the person who has been taking your money from young? For the movies, for the shopping, for everything. Why not? There is only one reason, BECAUSE HE IS YOUR FREAKING SON.
Its like, crossing the bridge and tearing it down afterwards. You get me to help you with something, I do it. Then for the smallest things after that, you yell and scream and hurl words like they don't hurt.
I think its me growing up. I used to rebutt you. But I prefer to keep my mouth shut now. Don't think that is working. It seems like you think that I am afraid of you. That's why I keep quiet. That is definitely not the case. I just don't want to show the younger ones that THIS, shouting at you, is right.
I have so so so much more to say. But I guess, thats all. for now.
"The best around might not be the best for you." - DTMY
